Steven Branscombe-USA TODAY Sports<\/p>\n
Hi, my name is Matt, and I know next to nothing about college baseball. I was raised in the Midwest, I legitimately did not know the sport existed until mid-2013. In fact, I know as little as it is humanly possible to know and still write this article. I still don’t totally understand how Super Regionals work. I’ve seen exactly 27 pitches out of the corner of my eye at the gym. See the article title? I am the complete moron. Shakin’ the Southland promises only the best… of the worst. With no further ado here is my attempt to figure out who will win the College World Series without any actual knowledge of college baseball. We’ll check in as the series progresses to see how terribly wrong or right I was.
\nHere are my metrics.
\n1. Who was better at football
\n2. A coin flip, the top team in\u00a0this bracket is heads, the bottom team is tails<\/p>\n
3. Who has the coolest mascot (entirely subjective)
\n4. Which state has the\u00a0highest crime rate
\n5. Which state looks funnier
\nArkansas vs. Virginia
\nWho was better at football: Arkansas, and it wasn’t really close. Virginia did technically have a better in conference record. Arkansas was better at pretty much everything else. Arkansas would have whooped some Cavaliers.
\nThe coin flip: Virginia ties things up here
\nMascot: Oh it’s razorbacks all day. Wild hogs will destroy anything you put in front of them. Virginia aren’t even the best Cavaliers playing sports as I type this.<\/p>\n
Crime rate: Arkansas comes in at 11th, which while not elite is still pretty good. Virginia is only pushing 34th place here.
\nWhich state looks funnier: Virginia looks like a jacked up triangle, Arkansas looks like a jacked up rhombus. Push.
\nPrediction: 3-2 Arkansas is favored in a close matchup
\nFlorida vs Miami (FL)
\nWho was better at football:… well better is relative here. Florida was an abysmal tire fire of a team that somehow beat Georgia, and Miami was a pretty mediocre ACC team that somehow had more NFL talent than anybody. God this is depressing. I guess Florida won more games. Florida it is. Go hug your loved ones, entropy comes for us all.
\nThe coin flip: Florida again, ending tails hot streak at one
\nMascot: Gators are terrifying lazy death machines that have lasted as long on this earth as anything. I had to google an Ibis to make sure it was a bird. Florida.
\nCrime rate: Push, but Florida as a state comes in at 4th overall and I’m sure Miami and Gainesville pull their weight here.
\nWhich state looks funnier: also a push, but Florida looks like a dong, and we have to take note of that.
\nPrediction: 3-0-2 Florida is going to beat Miami bad
\nLSU vs. TCU
\nWho was better at football: TCU was the best team not to get into the playoff, then proceeded to rain fire and hell upon a fading Mississippi State. LSU lost to Notre Dame. TCU wins
\nThe coin flip: TCU takes it
\nMascot: Horned frogs shoot blood out of their eyes. Tigers are tigers, and we like those around here. This is a draw because both are awesome. Whichever team wins this is favored versus everyone else in this metric.
\nCrime rate: Texas is only pushing 15th, Louisiana is 5th. That Louisiana and Florida have a potential budding rivalry here just feels so fitting.
\nWhich state looks funnier: Louisiana looks like a boot. I’m taking boots all the way.
\nPrediction: 2-2-1 means we have no idea, but it’ll be close
\nCSU Fullerton vs. Vanderbilt
\nWho was better at football: Vanderbilt plays in the SEC, CSU Fullerton hasn’t had a team since 1992. Vandy wins by default.
\nThe coin flip: Vandy
\nMascot: Commodores vs Titans is already a pretty interesting matchup. Why the Titans also seem to feature elephant regalia makes no sense to me but personally I don’t want to mess with elephant Titans. CSU Fullerton.
\nCrime rate: California is 14th (suck it Texas) whereas Tennessee is doing work at #2. Vandy is going to kill it. Hopefully not literally.
\nWhich state looks funnier: I have always believed that if you look at Tennessee and North Carolina together they kinda look like a lit cigarette. Vanderbilt takes the lead because of that.
\nPrediction: 4-1 Vanderbilt<\/p>\n